The Sunday Best

Copy Fail | Victorinox Snow Flower and Snow Power

Victorinox is releasing two new fragrances. Since when did Victorinox make fragrances?

Victorinox (VSA) announces two limited-edition fragrances to launch this September as part of the existing Victorinox Swiss Unlimited collection: Snow Flower, a new women’s fragrance and Snow Power, a new men’s fragrance.

Women are delicate flowers. Men are thundering avalanches of snowy vengeance. What was true in 985 AD is still true today.

Victorinox Swiss Unlimited fragrances capture the feeling of crisp winter mornings in Switzerland, encapsulating the freshness found in the country’s snowcapped mountains, majestic glaciers, flowering meadows and glistening lakes. The unique Victorinox Swiss Unlimited Snow Flower and Snow Power fragrances expresses winter’s most wonderful moments, while offering textured packaging, a twist on/off-system to prevent cap loss and an attached carbineer for carrying ease.

We've also rammed in a sense of cuckoo clocks with a hint of highly regimented train schedules. Nothing says "winter's most wonderful moments" than a system to prevent cap loss. Did we mention it has a carbineer? Have you seen this freaking carbineer?

And for the very first time Victorinox introduces a women’s fragrance to the Victorinox Swiss Unlimited family. The scent of Snow Flower unites freezing white snow with a warm nose of orris, vanilla and woods. Snow Power unites vetiver and cedarwood likened to the scent of fresh wood crackling in the fireplace.

OK, no fooling - what does freezing white snow smell like, and how do you unite that with orris, vanilla, and "woods"? What are "woods"? And who says "likened"? Forsooth, verily this fire doth smell of vetiver.

“We’re very proud that our original Victorinox Swiss Unlimited men’s fragrance was recently awarded the 2010 FiFi® Technological Breakthrough of the Year Award in the Packaging Technology & Delivery Systems category,” Victorinox Swiss Army President, Rick Taggart, stated.  “With this success, we’re excited to expand the Victorinox Swiss Unlimited family to include Snow Flower and Snow Power.”

Swiss Army - taking on all fools and winning technical awards for the packaging of fragrances. Don't get confused by wondering what it smells like, we told you - icebergs and woods, just know that this bottle can save you from a falling boulder.

Copy Fail | Scotch & Soda "Barfly"

Scotch & Soda launches its first scent, "Barfly".

Terms like intense but simple, young and transparent had to be translated into a scent. 

Is fragrance copy just inherently shitty? "Intense but simple" isn't a term. They are three words that make no sense as a juxtaposition. Young and transparent are things you'd say about a tadpole. What those "terms" have to do with a barfly is anyone's guess.

Words actually associated with barfly: alcoholic, improperly sealed beer, Mickey Rourke.

Copy Fail | TES Italia

TES makes leather accessories, like bracelets.

The material is not alive, but it has the qualities of life. 

We had to kill something to make this, and we want you to think about that every time you put it on. See how the leather seems to breathe? That used to be an alligator.

(From the VALUES page)

LIFE IN MATERIAL
The rediscovery of metal; silver, steel, brass and bronze, and their use in the creation of something special.

TIMELESS
An expression of "accessory"  that finds a balance between statement and understatement.

GRATIFICATION
To the hand and eye.  

We took a look around and asked, what are people not using anymore? And the answer we got was metal. No one is making jewelry out of metal! And then we searched for a word to properly convey our idea of jewelry. That word - accessory. Not just the word but the expression of that word, which says a lot in the un-saying. The result? Something you can both feel AND see.

Copy Fail | Gap CORE

Gap is releasing a new fragrance called CORE.

At the CORE, there is no façade. There is only what's honest, simple, and true.

See what we did there? We took the product's name, which is a noun, and then used it as that noun which makes you think of both. Also, it's morally sound.

As comfortable and unpretentious as a great pair of jeans; as effortlessly cool as a North American classic, CORE is a new scent for men from Gap.

You wear scents. You wear jeans. Enough said.

CORE is new and different - an "unfragrance" for the guy who wants to wear a scent without being worn by it.

Hold onto your hats because shit is about to get existential. We already told you CORE is a scent, so don't be calling it a fragrance. Unless you're calling it an un-fragrance. And it doesn't put you on in the morning - only YOU put you on. Remember Hegel and the chair? Exactly.

A fresh wood type scent, Core is masculine, yet fresh and uniquely light. Its top notes consist of organic Egyptian basil blended with black pepper from Madagascar and an or pur (a note trademarked by internally-renowned fragrance house Givaudan) of Italian mandarin. The middle holds hints of crisp French lavender and warm Indonesian nutmeg. Its bottom notes are characterized by a sensual cocktail of spicy peppercorn and pepperwood, plus creamy sandalwood, and a clean, leathery note of new suede.

Look, we're not going to blow smoke up your ass. This shit is tight. It's got botanicals and herbs and stuff from other countries. Ethnic stuff. You know how food always tastes better when you're on vacation? Well now imagine SMELLING like that. We just blew your mind.

The CORE box is bright silver, and its striking flacon - a shape inspired by vodka bottles, with the silvery sleekness of a high-tech gadget - features a unique semi-transparent mirror finish. At a second glance, it allows you to see beyond the surface to the liquid inside.

Flacon means penis. A glow-in-the-dark, iPhone4-type penis.